A Long Cold Walk Alone on a Dark Road

I look back at the choices in my life.

I realize the things I have done wrong but I have done a couple of things right as well.

One of my biggest problems in my early twenties was making good choices and acting like a grown up.

It’s hard to rationalize things when so much life lies before your eyes.

It seems you can do anything and there are no consequences.

This of course is not true.

I held onto those days as long as I could.  I failed to make the necessary decisions to ensure my success. My aim was to please the people in my life.  I thought nothing about saving money and I could have cared less about finishing my education.

Of course all these things have come back to bite me later in life.

I lament on my shortcomings but I have always known I was a decent person that deserved to be treated with respect.

Sadly one of my best friends in life was not so mindful of this premise.  I found her falling for the wrong men and letting herself be taken advantage of by them.

My friend and I shared a bond since 8th.  I was overweight and she had acne.  It was perfect because there was constant support through all the negativity of high school.

After high school even though her acne healed and I had lost a lot of weight we still bore the scars of being teased and put down.

It seemed like we wanted to be noticed.

One day she shared with me one of her flings told her he would say hi to her when he saw her out but that was about it.

This creep would call my friend and she would pick him up late at night to spend time with him.

I was appalled by his behavior but she allowed these things to happen.

I will admit I was not innocent.

But I wanted better for myself.

One of our favorite things to do was to go out and have a good time.  We would go out, dance and of course flirt with guys. She lived a couple miles away from a small town with a bunch of bars that were brimming with bright eyed young men.

It was a dark and cold February night.  We ventured out in her car in search of excitement.

I’m not sure why but we had been drinking quite a bit at the bars.  We usually drank alcohol in moderation but tonight caution was thrown to the wind in hopes of a good time.

We went bar hopping and finally landed at a local hangout.  In the back of the bar I noticed a young man that worked with me I had a crush on.  I immediately headed to the back to talk to him and get him to notice me.

My friend had met this guy who gave me the creeps.  There was something I did not like about him.  His eyes were not warm and friendly and I think his intentions were obvious to me but not to her.

The night wore on and I kept drinking at a frantic pace.  I was drunk and acting like a wild woman. Dancing around the bar and trying to get my co worker’s attention.

The last call bell was rung and I decided to make my move.  I grabbed that young man and kissed him.

After I did that I stood back in horror and realized I had made a mistake,  I backed away from him and started to cry.  I had done the wrong thing.  Everything was spinning out of control.

I met up with my friend and she was gushing about the new guy she had met.

” I am going back to his place. He said you can go also and hang with his friends.”

I looked up and saw her new guy talking to about 4 guys that all appeared to be very intoxicated.

My heart sank and I felt fear.  I was usually easy going but something told me this was not a good situation.

“I am not going,” I said.

She began to yell and get mad at me.

My friend tried to find me a cab but there were none to be found at 2:00am in the morning.

“You are going to have to go with us!” She screamed at me.

“No, I won’t”.

“Fine.”  She turned her back to me and walked away from me.

I could not believe after all of our years of friendship she decided to throw it away to go hang out with a guy she had known for a couple of hours.

I decided to walk the four or five miles to her apartment.  It was dark and bitter cold.  My anger set in.  One thought was my mom but she had to work.  I told myself it would not be too bad of a walk on that dark night.

I was wrong!

It was absolutely horrible.  Every step in the dark I feared someone would grab me and take me away or a car would veer off the road and hit me.

I whimpered most of the way.  The voices in my head kept saying how stupid I had been to get so drunk.

I could of driven her car but I was not in any condition.  It would have been an even worse mistake.

About halfway there I stopped at a Dunkin Donuts for a few minutes to warm up with a cup of coffee.  I thought about my friend possibly making another mistake with another man.

At that moment I told myself to forget her. I needed to focus on getting to her place safely and getting some sleep.

When I finally made it I found her hidden key, opened the door and collapsed on the couch.  My eyes closed and I fell into a fitful sleep.

My friend did not call to make sure I had made it.

After that incident we never really talked again.  I did not hate her but I felt hurt and betrayed.

One of my friends told me the relationship with that guy did not work out.  He had been mean and abusive to her.

As a person you must be responsible and in control of yourself at all times.   You can not depend on others to get you home safely.  You must be willing to make decisions and find strength to be your own person.

Also I think I should have had the courage and intelligence to call my mom rather than risk my life.

Now if I go out I may have one drink but I always remember I am responsible to get myself home.  We must value ourselves as people and realize we make many decisions in life which may impact our future.

Also I look at my friend and I feel sorry for her.  I felt the same way she did in high school and life. I was not going to sacrifice my self respect or self worth for a night with any man.

As my son grows older I will instill respect and self worth in him.  I will encourage him to call me any time of night.  I will ask him to not to accept less because he is worth so much more.

It was a long cold walk alone a dark road but it taught me a lesson.


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