After I took a shower yesterday I was looking at myself in the mirror on the medicine cabinet.
I had wiped away the condensation to look at my face.
It was a simple but true picture of me.
The road I have traveled has never easy but always rewarding. I often find myself reminiscing about times when I was not as strong or when I was in a bad way.
I truly believe life heals the wounds of the past so that you can prosper in the future.
When I think back to these moments that happened decades ago I remember I almost did the unthinkable which would have ended my being. I feel almost ashamed.
I have always wanted to do better for myself. So when I got a promotion to be in management I was ecstatic. The new position was more money and responsibility. Two things I was craving for in life.
In the first week I began to look at different processes. I had questions the way people were completing job tasks.
In hindsight maybe I should not have been so headstrong but it is hard to turn off a creative mind.
I also met a lady who was so happy I had started at this job and that I would be her new supervisor. She worked under the director of the department that had hired me. I noticed she was often nervous. She would wring her hands quite often and her eyes were wide and anxious.
In my haste I was too blinded by my quest for success to see the trouble ahead.
It was the end of the first week and there was a meeting with director, the nervous lady and me. We went in and the door closed.
It turned into one of the worst situations of my life.
The director turned her ire on the nervous lady. Berating and verbally assaulting her before my eyes.
” I take how long it takes me to do something and I times it by two. So I expect you to get it together or else!.”
I was in total shock and not able to say one word. Then the nervous lady left the room.
She turned her anger on me.
” I don’t know what you know or what you don’t know but this is how it is and you better get it straight.”
My face turned red. I sat listening and not believing her unprofessional tone and manner.
I guess one of the ladies did not appreciate me looking at their work and giving her ideas so she went crying to the director.
I left her office shell shocked and in disbelief. In my office I locked the door and sobbed.
I just had ruined my life.
So I packed up and left that day.
The aftermath of this incident was falling into a severe depression. I could not eat, drink, move or feel. The feelings of failure engulfed me. I could not find solace in one thing of my life.
It’s funny how the people that truly love you sometimes take over. My mother rallied to my side. She held my hand but also kicked my but when I needed. My sisters would hold me, take care of house, feed me and take me to my doctor appointments.
I would sit in my husband’s arms for hours and cry.
One of the worst nights my mom slept over. My husband worked the night shift and could not take another day off. I sat there weeping the entire night.
As the tears flowed I could not let go of my feelings of failure and self loathing.
I was in the bathroom and I saw the medicine cabinet.
The voices chimed in my head.
Who would miss me? I am a nothing, a failure, I can’t do anything right.
I touched the door but I could not open it.
I walked out to the couch and saw my mother. This beautiful woman, had given me life, nurtured me from a baby and had always been with me every moment was clutching a pillow like she would have been me. She had been so sick with worry and fear.
I decided I needed to go to bed.
It was a slow trip out of the abyss. The small steps to find myself again and learn to love life.
I laugh at people that complain compassion is dead. It lives and breathes so fully in our lives yet most people choose to overlook it. I do not.
At one appointment I broke down hysterical in sobs in front of the doctor. He stopped talking, sat down beside me and put his arm around me.
These moments of love and support brought me back to life and made me a better person.
I even got a card from the nervous lady. She had found a new job as well.
Often after I take a shower I look at my face in mirror on the medicine cabinet.
I look at the person I have become. The things I have experienced. The wonderful life events I would have missed. The happiness I have to be here.
Another day life takes another turn. I would not miss it for anything!!!!