This has been a tough week and I have felt like eating whatever I want.
But after I binge it brings on guilt and a feeling of worthlessness.
It always brings me back to my dark days.
Have you ever had a time in life when your eating habits were destroying your health?
I reminisce about my college years.
I lost weight the wrong way.
After my parents left me at school I was so scared. I cried every minute and wanted desperately to go home. It took a couple of weeks and I got into a routine.
I had always been sedentary so I had to walk everywhere. The pounds began to shed off. People began to notice me and I was fitting into clothes 3-4 sizes smaller.
The only problem was I was not eating. I would eat a bagel and fruit in the morning and then not eat anything else. I was so angry and the only thing that made me feel better was being skinnier. At the college infirmary the doctor noticed I had lost about 20 pounds in a matter of weeks. He asked me what was going on. I just said I had been dieting. He suggested I seek help. I ignored him. It kept getting worse.
It was around this time I started binging and purging. I can honestly say it was one of the worst feelings in the world. But I wanted to eat and I needed to get skinner. I found myself tired and listless. My hair didn’t have the same shine and my complexion was not as clear.
Every compliment I received drove me to do it more. I had lost over 90 pounds and was fitting into clothes I had never imagined. It was one big rush with a huge letdown.
By the second semester I had reached my lowest point. One of my relatives found out what I was doing and told my mother. It is funny how your mother can bring you back to reality. She implored me to stop and seek help.
Also during a doctor visit some lab tests revealed an excess of ketones in my urine sample. The doctor sat across from me and said I was killing myself. She encouraged me to look myself. The doctor mentioned my hair which was dry and brittle. For the next couple of minutes she rattled over the health implications of this condition. I became terrified!!
I did seek help but it took some time. My life turned around. But I did gain weight back but I lived with it. I needed to lose the right way and to keep myself grounded.
The urge has never left me. I fight it every time I overeat. I tell myself how stupid and fat I am. That I will never lose weight. I then hear a voice that says “Stop it!” The voice guides me to let go of these feelings and lets me make peace with myself.
There are two things I would like to say:
Seek help and guidance for any problems with weight that may jeopardize your health and well being.
I implore everyone to lose weight the right way!!!